Symphonic Dogs
I've occasionally given my opinion about music that I like, or music that I think is great, or variants on those topics, but I don't think I've ever mentioned some of the music that I detest. This came to mind because the radio station I was listening to started playing one of the pieces I name below and I had to rush to change the station. So, the topic of this post is bad symphonies, symphonies that cause me physical discomfort to listen to, symphonies that likely should never have been written in the first place. You can decide for yourself whether this is just my opinion or something that you've known all along.
Certainly these judgments are not because I don't like symphonies. I adore symphonic music, and the symphony is one pinnacle of musical invention and expression. I've always enjoyed playing symphonic music, too — that is, playing as a 'cellist in an orchestra.
Symphonists I like include Beethoven (like you had to ask), Brahms, Dvorák, Haydn, Hovhaness, Ives, Mahler, Prokofiev, Shostakovitch, Sibelius, Tchaikovsky (grudgingly#), Vaughan Williams, and probably a few others whose names no doubt escape at the moment.* I'd be hard pressed to name favorite composers of symphonies, let alone favorite symphonies, although I might say that Sibelius is the one I've been absorbing most ardently for the last few years, and I am still enthralled by the majestic mystery and compositional magic of his fifth symphony.
But enough. The point here is to point out a few tragically bad symphonies. Not necessarily bad composers, of course, just individual pieces about which I feel it would be no great loss to human culture if all printed parts and recordings were to vanish from the face of the earth.
- Bizet: Symphony in C Major
Let's face it, not many composers can handle the key of c major well and make the result work (except, in what seems a stunning inconsistency, see below about Schubert), certainly not the young Bizet. Apparently he wrote this as a student assignment when he was 17, which he promptly put away and forgot about. Unfortunately, it was rediscovered and has become a sentimental favorite. Some find it naive and charming; I find it tedious. - Frank: Symphony in d minor
We once knew someone who was conducting a performance of this symphony; he thought it was utter trash, but such noisy and thrilling trash that he couldn't help himself. Noisy enough, I guess, but murky and disorganized with musical themes of no distinction and certainly not enough substance to play out into a lengthy, romantic symphony. - Schubert: Symphony No. 5 in B-flat Major
This symphony is praised for its effervescence, it's undiluted joie de vivre, its elegance and grace. You might guess that those are all keywords likely to make me fidget uncontrollably. To my ear this symphony has the highest density of insipid themes of any ever written. Amazingly, virtually all conductors insist on taking all the repeats, thereby enhancing the ponderous effect. - Schubert: Symphony No. 8 in b minor, "The Unfinished"
I have this theory that many people adore this famous unfinished piece out of some misguided romantic notion that Schubert must have died while he was writing it since it's unfinished. Well, I hasten to point out that Schubert did write a ninth symphony. (Remarkably, the Symphony No. 9 is in C Major, an unforgiving key, but Schubert could handle C major like no other## and I adore his ninth symphony, which I'm happy to call a masterpiece.) I think this does discredit to Schubert, who was a great composer. I suspect instead that he was working on it, got to the end of the second movement, and realizing that the symphony was turning out entirely unlistenable he stopped what he was doing and hid the manuscript. We should have trusted his judgement.
Perhaps, needing a collective noun, I shall call this my gag of symphonies, for obvious reasons.
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*Someone will inevitably say "But what about Mozart?" Mozart is undeniably a great composer but his music usually — not always! — leaves me cold, and that includes the symphonies for the most part. All filled with all the best classical poise, balance, and grace, which all adds up to tiresome for me.
#I say "grudgingly" because Tchaikovsky's technique in the art of musical development and motivic deployment as commonly practiced in symphonic writing is horrible and his sense of orchestration is frequently uninspired, but his tunes nevertheless are fabulous and all of the symphonies make great listening, even the under appreciated early symphonies numbers 1 through 3.
##His amazing string quintet is also in c major, proving that his mastery over the key was no fluke.