National Coming Out Day 2007
Today, October 11, is celebrated annually by more and more people as "National Coming Out Day"; despite its name, people in many countries celebrate NCOD. First observed in 1988, NCOD marks the anniversary of the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights in 1987. The official NCOD logo (at right) was created by Keith Haring.
I wasn't at that ground-breaking Second National March, but Isaac and I did manage to get to the Third National March in 1993, along with about a million of our most fabulous friends. Whoo, what a remarkable day that was! All of Washington DC was very gay friendly that day and we all felt, however briefly, like we were not a social minority for a change.
At the end of it all, Isaac and I traveled back to the suburbs on a Metro train. Our car was filled with smiling, carefree, non-threatening gay and lesbian people — except for one very nervous, middle-aged straight guy. We all sat and talked quietly in what we thought was a non-intimidating volume, but the poor man kept glancing around the car, clearly anxious. About what he might have been anxious I leave to the empathetic mind of my readers. At the penultimate stop the doors opened and he rushed from the car. The moment the doors close, the rest of the people in the car chuckled and bit and began talking cheerfully at normal volume. We were convinced that he rushed home to his wife with stories of being nearly attacked by an unruly mob of sexual outlaws although, truly, I don't think he was ever safer on a metro ride than he was that day.
I came out — officially, in my mind — in 1992. This was not, of course, when I knew that I was gay, but it was when I told other people and chose to stop hiding or evading the fact.* I've never felt better, and it was a great thing to do. I recommend it to everyone who knows himself or herself but hasn't yet decided to live openly.
I came out first online, which seemed proper to me at the dawn of the internet, and not least because I am such an introvert anyway. I had found a friendly, sometimes rough-and-tumble group of compatriots in the Usenet newsgroup soc.motss.# Regular posters numbered about a couple of hundred, so it was easy to get to know them and just start talking, easily ignoring the putative 20,000 people who read the group regularly. Anyway, it was an inviting venue and I had a great time with my friend there. I'm still trying to find a way to re-integrate it with my life, which seems so much busier these days.
Here is a brief aside to all those who think that people who find community online need to get out and get a life and meet "real" people. Two points: 1) you're all extroverts who have no idea what it's like for introverts to get out and meet "real" people; 2) an online community enhances personal interaction for introverts, it doesn't restrict it.
I've never found my coming-out stories terribly interesting, although there was one fun episode I recall. Around 1997 I was working with a group of engineers, a group not known at the time for their diversity. We had been having a meeting, the work part was over, and some started complaining, as they were prone to, about their ex-wives. Head engineer made a pronouncement about ex-wives and the state of marriage. He felt that a survey of the conference table was called for to check on marital status and the happiness of said state. He got to me and my answer — wishing to go easy on their delicate engineering sensibilities — was that I was partnered but I was not allowed by law to marry him.
Well. That was met with some expressions along the "whew boy!" line. Head engineer decided a discussion was called for, and the project manager closed the door to the conference room. I didn't really see what needed to be discussed, but all the other guys wanted to express themselves and ask questions and talk, talk, talk. It was sort of an all-male chick-flick script. I guess they worked through what they needed to work through and it all got integrated comfortably into our working-group dynamics.
I can't really come out again today, although maybe one can do a sort of renewal-of-vows, since they seem rather popular. Again, I can use myself as an example to encourage others teetering on the edge to eat the powder-milk biscuit and do what needs to be done.
I do have one thing I've wanted to say to those in their early stages who say, of work colleagues or family, that "they all know, so I don't have to tell them". You may be correct that they all know — it's amazing how many people "knew all along" when you finally tell them — but, until you tell them, they will avoid talking about anything that comes close to your personal life, thinking that you want to be "discrete". They want to do what you want them to do, because they're your friends, but silently letting them help you maintain your closet of silence does no one any good. It is up to you to tell them about your orientation so that they have permission, from you, to talk about it, and until you give that permission it's a part of your life that you have closed off. It's unhealthy for you and uncomfortable for them.
Go ahead. Eat the biscuit.
———-
*There was a well-recognized transition period in which one claims that the truth will be told to anyone who asks, but during which one goes to extraordinary lengths to avoid being asked the question.
#It still exists, by the way, and maintains much the same spirit. "motss" = "members of the same sex"; there's a long and interesting story behind the name, but I won't tell it here right now. If you have a usenet newsfeed — and they're rather easier to come by today than in 1992, let me tell you! – it's easy to find them. Also, you can probably find every one of my posts archived at Google groups, if you feel motivated.
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I welcome comments -- even dissent -- but I will delete without notice irrelevant, rude, psychotic, or incomprehensible comments, particularly those that I deem homophobic, unless they are amusing. The same goes for commercial comments and trackbacks. Sorry, but it's my blog and my decisions are final.
on Friday, 12 October 2007 at 03.31
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It is healthier and better for people to be honest and open. I'm glad things have progressed to the point where coming out is so much more doable and accepted than was the case 10 and 20 years ago.
Your anecdote brings to mind an experience I had as a 24-year-old member of the USAF with an afternoon to kill in San Francisco. I wound up going into a store that sold newspapers, magazines, tobacco products and such for a few minutes. It was near the bus station. There were several men there, in their twenties and thirties.
Within a minute or two I realized I was being looked up and down by one after another of my fellow shoppers. One actually kind of leered. It dawned on me that: 1, these guys must be gay and think, or maybe hope, I am also; and 2, this weird feeling I'm experiencing must be what girls feel when being ogled by horny guys.
No one actually made any advances, and I don't think I exhibited any particular discomfort. While I had felt a little strange for a moment, it wasn't a matter of feeling threatened, really. I bought a couple of postcards and a pack of cigarettes, and left. Later, I was told the whole area around the bus station was a pickup zone for gays. I'd never been to S.F. before and had no idea.
This happened during the heyday of hippies, and those undoubtedly gay guys in the shop were among the most cleancut and normal looking folks I saw during my few hours in downtown San Francisco.
There's no punchline to this story, and forgive me if I've told it here before. I just thought you might find it interesting to hear from a straight guy who was in this kind of unfamiliar situation.